I Stayed In A Toxic Relationship For Their Happiness

When my ex-boyfriend and I went camping, we laid beside each other under the hot sun. My head was on top of his chest and I said, “I wish time would stop.” because for the first time in our relationship, I felt at peace. I didn’t want to go back to the chaos that it was.

Unfortunately, time does not stop and I had to go back to the relationship I was unhappy in. My ex-boyfriend and I were in a long distance relationship for one year and a half. How it lasted that long is still a mystery. Especially since I felt that he was not the one for me after three months into the relationship.

Red flags popped up all over the place, but I looked past them because I “loved” him. I really believed that there was a future in us, even when he invaded my privacy, made repeated empty promises, and was non-committed to change.

Several times when I was asleep, he unlocked my phone and blocked guys that he didn’t trust. They were past flames or men I slept with before him and they messaged asking to get together. He had no trust in me from the beginning.

I saw these signs but I still told myself, “No, this is the man I will marry. Things will be fine.” I stayed because we made plans together and we were both at the same page for our future.

But I was still. Un. Happy.

I had my last straw emotionally during my last visit to see him in July 2020. I planned to stay six weeks with him and I was excited at first. I haven’t seen him for four months because of COVID-19. He said things will be different this time after my disappointing visit during Christmas. I told him how unhappy I was during that visit because he ignored my wants and played games all day throughout that whole trip. So he made a promise to me that he will listen to me more and spend less time playing games.

Then cue the empty promises. He stuck to it the first week I was over, and we even had a picnic which is something I wanted during my Christmas trip. He actually put in more effort and I was happy. But things changed after that week.

Every memory from Christmas rolled back in my head and I was falling down emotionally. Though, I kept my sadness in. I cried every night in the bathroom because I didn’t want him to see me cry.

One night, I was too tired to go to the bathroom and cry. So I stayed in bed. He was sleeping and I thought he would not hear me. Still, I tried to keep quiet. But he must have heard me sniffling because he turned around and faced me, opened his eyes and looked into mine, then rolled away; back exposed and slept.

That was it.

I had enough.

So I said to myself that once I’m back to my country and enter the “Folk High School” — it’s over. A Folk High School is an adult educational institution in Scandinavia that lasts one school year.

Fast forward to moving day and a few weeks in.

I found someone else who made me happy. Someone I could finally talk to about subjects that I was passionate about. Unlike my ex who just listened and had a one-sided conversation about them. I thought that “negative aspect” of him was fine to deal with, and I could just talk to someone else about these passions of mine. But when I did, I was more attracted to them than my own boyfriend.

Anyway, I thought that it would be easy to break up with him. I was proven wrong. I got stuck in my words and never said it. So I prolonged it more than necessary. For two months. All because I couldn’t handle the fact that he would be sad and disappointed.

Until one drunken night, where I made a mistake and confessed. We broke up.

I truly thought that I would be upset, sad, and heartbroken, but I was…

…relieved.

I felt free. Out of that toxic mess. I was finally happy.

One small message was all it took for me to go back to him.

He said he wanted to make us work — with one condition: that I stop seeing the guy I was interested in. It was fair and do-able when I look back at it, but back then, I thought it was unfair. He was my friend and, yes, we had feelings for each other, but nothing happened after my mistake.

My ex and I got back together. Again. But the trust was broken between us. I argued that without that foundation, him and I would not work; he argued back saying that we can build it up. How can you build up trust when one side of the relationship does not believe in it anymore and the other side would be constantly jealous and asking where I was.

He checked my location through Snap Map and I had to have an explanation whenever I was at a place I normally don’t go to. Such as the other building of my campus at midnight. I had a social life, I had friends, I had other people than him. He knew that and still he had no trust that I was just hanging out with a group.

As the weeks passed, I grew more and more depressed. It felt like he was breathing down my neck with every movement I made. Whatever explanation I told him for my disappearances was called out as a lie even if it were the truth.

Even through this toxicity, I decided to stay because “we had plans”. We had a future together. That was all I had to look forward to, right? That after my year in Folk High School, all this mess would be over.

I confided in friends about what to do and they didn’t help. They had their opinions, but were scared to make the decision for me.

Okay, fair.

So I decided to visit my cousin’s place as a last resort and she convinced me to finally put my foot down and end it. She listened to my situation and related it to a similar experience of hers. I will never forget what she said that helped me make my decision, “I didn’t regret being with him, but I regretted that I was with him for that long.”

So I went back to my campus dorm, called him, and finally ended things with him. He was angry and that outburst was not new to me. He asked for an explanation, but I knew that whatever I said, he would not believe it. So I said, “I lost feelings.” and that was it.

I wondered if I truly loved him. After six months of separating prior to this article being written, I may have an answer.